Wee Boaby was held in Intensive care for a total of 2 weeks, where he lay in a coma and close to death. However the resilence of the "Wee Man" from the back streets of Glasgow, Surprised even the Surgeons who attended him, and he started on the road of a miraculas recovery! Still swathed in bandages from Head to foot (Apart from one eye, and a straw sticking from the bandages around his mouth) Boaby was moved to a private ward room, Shared with only 1 other patient, Also seriously ill!
Right! I hud jist recieved the Bloody kicking of my life, In fact I hud even died at one point, I huv been unjustly accused of sexual assault, Whit mair could go Wrang? I lay on the bed, My first day in the more normal part of the Infirmary, Couldn't move or talk, This is no fur me! However visiting time came, and the ward doors opened and there wiz the love o ma life "Ella" and trailing along behind hur wiz "HER BLUDDY MITHER"
She whispered in a low voice, So Ella could'na hear, Then she sat doon on the Chair at the side o the bed and started tae eat the fruit. I swiveled my wan good eye over tae watch hur, and as hur Gums Chomped doon on a grape it shot oot o hur mouth sideways and flew accross the ward!
So the auld crone slips on the Headphones and sits back down on the chair and starts Humming and tapping hur feet in time wie the Music!
This is ma chance I thought, and wie ma right arm outstreatched I jist managed tae reach the Volumne control fur the Radio and flicked it up full!
screamed the Mither and fell sideways aff the chair, and started rolling across the floor, Alerted by this screaming a young nurse burst in the ward door, Stood on the Mither-in Laws missin grape, Flew up in the air and came crashing down on top of the other Patient in the ward! He let out an almighty scream of pain and between him and the nurses weight the bed collapsed in a heap.
All this comotion attracted the attention of several Doctors and nurses who charged into the Ward, Spotted this elderly Patient, Obviously Sexually assulting the Young Nurse, So they all charged to her Rescue, Eventually Sedating him before removing him to a secure ward, and giving the nurse the rest of the day off.
CHRIST Thats HELLISH! ... says Ella, .. Helpin hur Mither tae hur feet, They must huv knocked ma Mammy doon as well! .....Are YEA ALRIGHT MAMMY?... I'll Jist get ye a wee Cuppie o Tea, You jist sit there! ... and off she goes!
Ye DUN THAT Ye Wee bluddy Midden She says <<Could ye nay huv dun the decent thing and stayed Deid! ... Then with a protrudin Fore finger she callously poked me in ma wan good EYE!
I shouted, But it wiz lost on hur.... Well thats enough fur wan day,.. Says Ella... We will no be in the night Boaby, Mither's wantin tae go tae the Bingo, But well see ye Tomorra, Bye Bye Luv!
Well Yea all Ken whit its like being inthe Hospital, It's pretty bloody lonely wie nae visitors, So there I wiz jist lying there when the air wiz split wie this Roar
And looking both ways, To make sure the coast is clear, His hand dived into his inside pocket, and out came a half bottle of 100% Proof Russian Vodka!
Having emptyed the Vodka into the Orange juice, He poured a liberal helping into a glass and held it up to the straw in Boaby's mouth!
Well Wee Boaby had the best night's sleep, That night, Since he had been admitted to the Infirmary!
Asked Ella, While doing her usual tidying up the bed. While her Mother Planked her ample Arse on the chair, and just stared at me!
This also dissappeared in one go, She helped herself to a third glass before sitting down on the Chair, Leaving the Orange Juice all but empty!
Says Ella, I craned my neck around to see hur Mither, and there she wiz Hur eyes twirling like Fruit machines! Suddenly she rises tae hur feet
And off she staggers, Lookin for all the world like someone wie Rubber legs and a revolving Head. Ella, A concerned look on Hur face watches her Mither and then turns tae Boaby.
So Ella sat at the side of the bed, Yakin on about the Neighbours and events in the Housing scheme! Then after aboot 20 minutes
Ella toddles off tae the Ladies, Finds only one cubicle engaged, But can't get a Reply! She takes a Quick Peek under the door and recognises hur Mithers Shoes!
Several doctors, Nurses and Medics Run into the ladies, and start hammering on the door. Suddenly one Heafty Medic Shouts
and taking a run puts his shoulder to the door, and Bursts it open! The splintering of wood and the crash of the Medic landing on the floor is Suffient to waken Ella's Mither from her Drunken Sleep
She screams at the medic, And in her drunken state stands up from the toilet, Forgetting that hur Knickers are still around hur Ankles and tries to take a step forward.
Hur already Rubber legs, Tangle up with hur Knickers and she falls forward, Hur Forehead hitting a Surgeon square on the nose, in a Perfect Glasga Kiss Of course the rest of the Hospital Staff seeing this MAD Screaming Woman Belting the Eminent Surgeon, All dived on top of her, Secured her arms in a straight Jacket and carried her screaming out of the Toilet.
A young Nurse close by realises that Ella is having Difficulty understanding the Doctors Accent and comes tae the rescue
Well Ella wiz gobsnacked, Hur own mother barred from the Hospital! Boaby wiz Delighted, No more visits fae Hur!
Several weeks passed, and Boaby slowly started to recover from his injuries, The bandages had been removed.
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Well I know that look on Ella's face, She hiz gone into Stubborn Mode, And Nothing wiz going tae change Hur Mind.